It’s looking like a limb torn off…

or all together now, just taken apart…

I feel like screaming.

crying.

leaving.

staying.

sucking it up.

running back home.

being in your arms.

being strong.

doing what i want.

doing what i need.

taking a hot shower.

sleeping for four months.

being wherever you are.

 

but mostly feel like crying.

i’ll be home for christmas…

Christmas was a pretty typical event.

If the sound of slamming doors, screams, and sobs are typical.

There were only eight of us to celebrate in texas this year, Tim the oldest being left in India,

but there was still plenty of drama and heartbreak to go around.

Basically, Scotty (the 27 year old and second oldest) flipped his shit.

He had been a complete ass to me all day, and those who know me know that I avoid confrontation at all cost

but I was sick and tired of him griping and yelling at me and told him to cut it out. He freaked the fuck out and started yelling at me

and i proceeded to tell him he needed to be on some kind of medicine to shut him up and calm him down…

he kept yelling at me and all i said was i’m tired of you being a jerk, leave me alone. I was then yelled at to

“take it outside”

I didn’t even know people said that anymore.

Frankly, i’m not so sure they do. At least, not to their sister on christmas….what the hell?

I just told him to leave me alone and back off. At this point, the rest of the family decided they needed to join in

my mom telling him to calm down, my dad telling him not to yell, andrew telling him to stop, and me leaving the room.

Enter Jason crying.

Exit Scotty.

Well, from the bathroom where i’m pissed off and trying not to cry I hear scotty come back in the room and start yelling and andrew telling him to calm down.

Now, this isn’t just yelling, this is now screaming and throwing and punching shit. yes. this is a true story.

Well, andrew tells scotty to calm down and that he loves him, scotty tells andrew to back the fuck off and he doesn’t want to hear it.

And then, andrew tells scotty he’s just like tim.

o shit.

Andrew is now threatened to have the shit kicked out of him and scotty starts to pack up to leave.

He yells that he’s gonna be gone in the morning and all our problems will be solved.

Andrew yells that he shouldn’t worry because he won’t see his family for another two years so he won’t have to deal with us.

At this point, scotty goes in his room and slams the door. Andrew goes in his room and slams the door.

Mom and Jason are upset and crying.

Dad is trying to figure out what to do

I throw on a jacket and leave the house.

Logan and Sabra, on the computer playing games and watching shows.

Mind you, true story.

Well, I come back in the house half and hour later and mom and dad are in scotty’s room talking to him.

I went in a little later and found him sobbing on his bed.

I don’t think I have ever seen anything more heart wrenching than that.

So, He had just lost his job (underwater welding) because he found out that if he EVER dives again he will die of lung failure due to asthma etc.

He has to move because he can’t afford where he lives and he has no job.

His girlfriend of two years broke up with him.

And his family is leaving once again and he’ll be alone.

I guess if you can’t freak out around family who can you freak out around…..

So…basically I love my family but I am worn out and ready to be home.

….it’s definately winter

December’s familiar by the ache in my chest and the dread that’s captured my breath

firm fisted and anxious I count the reasons it would be better to leave

But hope a whore who I indulge in though I know i’ll leave feeling empty

So I take a deep breath and convinced I can handle another thing falling apart

trudge on through the winter as it bites at my strength and slowly frosts up my heart

New Artist

Gregory Crewdson

Some wants are needs

I want to paint something so remarkable it makes me feel satisfied

I want to say I did something worthwhile

I want to love like it’s the only thing

I want to make children feel beautiful and capable of healing

I want to remember every bad thing that has happened to me

I want to not forget that healing comes from hurting

I want to trust and not panic when it happens

I want to have an escape plan for all situations that are serious

I want to be okay with the way I look

I want to be okay with looking the way I feel

I want to forget about petty fights

I want to always remember how beautiful my friends are

I want my family to know they are my number one love

I want those I love to know they can never do anything so bad

I want to love God without being so cynical and scared

I want to find a place I can call home

I want to find someone that is my home

Timelines are so Passe

+ climbing up the tamarind tree, so old and comforting

I was so little

+ smoking rolled up paper while the guard smoked cigarettes

it felt so grown up

+ The treehouse where we played endlessly

forcing me to grow up

+ The man with the clueless face and m&ms

a stupid grown up

+ moving to India and never feeling so alone

growing depressed

+ relocated to America and completely unsure

about growing up

+ Dating, fighting, hating, loving

and not growing at all

+ staying somewhere so that I could meet you

and looking forward to growing up

+ Not sure about love or the next move

I hate being a grown up.

Doubtful

It’s a step
It’s a step in the right direction
It’s a tough and final decision
‘Cause where will I go when I’m feeling blue?

Spinnin’ my wheels
Wastin’ my time
Makin’ you feel you’ve nothing to hide

So save me and tell me how it all got so doubtful
Leave me nothing at all
Back on the old road
You’re wishing you’ll wind me down
Give me a mouthful
And leave me nothing at all

So chalk it up to the drone
Hack it out, wear it down
Where will you go when you’re feeling blue?

So save me and tell me how it all got so doubtful
Leave me nothing at all
Back on the old road
You’re wishing you’ll wind me down
Give me a mouthful
And leave me nothing at all

So save me and tell me how it all got so doubtful
Leave me nothing at all
Back on the old road
You’re wishing you’ll wind me down
Give me a mouthful
And leave me nothing at all

~Gregory and the Hawk~

Things that make me happy :]

1. cardboard box forts

2. sidewalk chalk

3.candyland

4. cloves

5. clouds

6. star gazing

7. holding your hand

8. your patience I don’t deserve

9. waking up and feeling genuinely happy

10. feeling pretty without makeup

11. hugs from my baby brother

12. listening to records

13. indian foods

14. rainbows

15. birds

16. eyeliner

17. nintendo

18. playing with legos

19. traveling across oceans

20. clumsy things i do every single day

amazing.

i want to be this good

 

www.guydenning.org

2:13 a.m.

Imogen Cunningham (1883-1976)

This is her work

And this is her :]

Jude Griebel

I love him.

3:16. I love that I can look up random artists for hours :]