c’est la vie
August 4, 2009
life is strange.
what i thought would be a big move to another state and leaving all my friends has turned into:
feeling less guilty about little fights with my best friend/twin
trying to figure out where to live, where I won’t feel restless
staying on longer at a coffee house that could eventually lead to the demise of my mental state
butterflies in my stomache when a certain someone kisses me
the need to listen to depressing music less and less
doubts and worries that are strangely enough accepted with open arms
being annoyed when you don’t call soon enough
and a scared feeling that this most certainly couldn’t last this long.
not with how wonderful it is.
lost cause
July 17, 2009
I’m your lost cause of good intentions
a dark ugly bruise
a crushed hand that punched the floor
nothing you would ever want.
‘Fine by me!’ I’ll scream at fate
as she cuts another cord, slams and locks all the doors
leaving me nothing but broken window glass to use
You’re just one more reminder of everything I hate
about myself, bound all my demons and tossed them around
are you fulfilled now?
But darling, why so quiet,
why so grave?
I’ve merely laid in the ground all the havoc you
have made, all the evil you exposed
in some quest for purity
laughter is the only response when you yell and beat your chest
in some resounding chord of this isn’t right
in some christian man’s fight to be honest and worthy
respected and righteous.
well who would respect such a lowly soulless needful thing
you’re just a drum without a beat
and lost cause without a plea.
Little things
July 16, 2009
that I love. The way I loved when I was little <3
(in no order)
1. Hot air balloons
2. Rachel
3. Bubble pipes
4. Dr. Suess books
5. polaroids
6. museums
7. taking walks
8. fireflies
9. foggy nights
10. old windows
11. simon and garfunkel
12. construction paper
13. painting
14. records
15. being read to
16. sleeping in blanket forts
17. foreign films
18. coloured leaves
19. swingsets
20. legos
21. rain
22. nintendo
23. treehouses
24. dairy milk chocolate
25. chocolate milk
26. stars
27. dancing with rachel
28. laughing
29. roadtrips
30. holi
31. waterguns
32. renoir
33. good books
34. sunglasses
35. regular balloons
36. trees
37. shiny rocks
38. hindi movies
39. little kids
40. writing
41. eyeliner
for everything turn turn turn
June 24, 2009
there is a season turn turn turn
and a time for everything under heaven.
i’m bored. rachel won’t get off the computer and play with me. but at least we can sing together while i wait.
Restless
June 18, 2009
You use to be everything and I filled up my day with some Christian Satisfaction
praising and praying oh GOD how I could pray
everyday and about everything
no body was so holy and I could sleep so easily with eyes closed and feel so self preserved
with every word that would come out of my mouth and grace my god I was so proud of myself
It’s much harder now to find any rest or relief but at least my eyes are partially open
though my jaw is torn my body is worn
God
You’re the ache in my bones and the tatter in my clothes but you are real
as I smoke and I drink and lose sleep you are real
yet you’re everything I cannot feel and I’d take this everyday over what I thought I felt
but it was merely the touch of religious hands paralyzing me as the poison slowly seeped in
and me unaware and so fucking prepared to live a life with closed eyes sleeping
with dreams of pretty churches and boys who truly love you so they believe as they
take off girls clothes in the name of self-control their god forgiving everything they do
so break hearts and live peacefully in sweet undisturbed dreams
I can’t sleep.
Not with my face in the ground and ashes on my head
God is everyone dead
or are they paralyzed their bodies turning into liquid
no longer useful but for filling up wine glasses disguised as your love
“This is my blood. Take”
O God we Take and we Take and we Take
so much more what else can we acquire for our selfish desires
to be achieved from this religious belief so we sink in our teeth
and draw out all we can and there is no empty mouth
then we sleep.
Thank God I feel so restless.
My God
June 18, 2009
You’re so Hollow
and depending on you is like searching for life in an empty room
You’re still Dead
Those three days were too much to take
not that you are to blame
Because I would have given up sooner
since there is not way in Hell
I’m worthy of being with you anyway
My God
If you have this world inside your hands
I’d rather you just let me go
I feel to unclean to be touched by you
So I’d prefer you leave me alone.
Suck it up
June 10, 2009
“love is spiders on the edge and we’re connected by a thread”
When do you realize that your outlook on life is sad? when your best friend tell you so. When you’re sitting on a porch smoking in the twilight and feeling like you’re going to throw up because you realize you just don’t want to feel good about yourself.
Who said cuts on an arm is the only way to punish yourself?
nothing much
May 19, 2009
“they’re just little cuts. No big deal”
What do you say to that when it’s the last person you expected to hear it from?
And why am I so selfish that I overlook the things that really need attention and bask in ignorant self-involved conversations that can so easily be seen for what they are. shallow.
cold beer and cigarettes
April 6, 2009
i love my friends and time spent with them drinking, smoking, laughing, and watching the guys get down and dirty with their whorish dancing.
and sitting outside on the front porch with my vodka and cloves, it’s clear that sometimes you can do nothing but whisper a prayer of “i don’t know what to do” over and over again and hope that he can hear you.
sigh…i wanna be good at art too!
April 1, 2009
